Crofton Estuary

 

11 for coffee, 9 for the walk and 14 for the pub dinner.

We all had a great visit.  It was nice to be able to all find time yesterday.

The pub dinner didn't work out for me.  They messed up my meal, remade it with another mess up.  I was pretty hungry by the time we got home.  I snarffled snacks and took myself up for an early bed time.  Jia had me up the night before and I was exhausted.  Then had a chill.  First one in a long time.  I hate the chills.  I should have just got myself into the hot tub but I was too tired so just layed shivering until it passed.  Sassy doesn't throw much heat ;)

Good Dad moment.  Four of us have data for the USA and Mexico.  Kai doesn't have a phone plan so we are taking his dvd player from the trailer for the road trip.  I personally would have just selected some movies for him.  Not Eric, he packed it all into the house and spent 40 minutes going through each dvd with Kai until his little pack was crammed.  Kai loves movies and discussing movies so he was thrilled.

Funny thing, we were expecting company, I had cleaned the table and laid out snacks.  I didn't want Kai to see the snacks so fed him a plate of lunch on the couch.  That he ate while they were looking through the movies.  I came in the room and Eric was setting Kai up with lunch.  What?!  Kai told Eric he didn't have lunch.  Because he didn't eat his lunch at the table.  I'm not sure how deeply involved Eric was in the project to not notice Kai inhale his lunch.  

I did the heart test this morning.  Easy peasy.  Then we went to Walmart for a couple ingredients for a new recipe.  I got a call from the cancer clinic.  A long call in the Walmart lobby, answering a lot of questions.  My pet scan is on Thursday.  

This is new to us.  Apparently I'll be radioactive after and can't be with the kids until after 10pm.  Our plan is to scoot home and lock me away in our room.  Kids, pets and possibly Eric can just avoid me.  So weird.

Our sucky little town.  It took five pharmacies to pick up the supplies for the surgery prep.  We never did find what Luk needs and just ordered from Amazon.  

A chandelier.

 

Sneak Peek.

Drywall, caulking, primer and paint are done.  The chandelier is in!

Flooring is next.

It's a pretty darn fancy closet room.

Cancer progress:  a three page instruction sheet came for the surgery on the 26th.  The last biopsy with sesation was 45 minutes from check in to leaving. This next one is a general with an anesthesiologist and is booked for six hours.  I did a different blood panel than usual and it looked ok.  An hiv test that hasn't come back yet.  I'm booked for heart tests on Monday at the Duncan hospital. I joined a couple ileostomy groups, one for women, one for anyone.  It's been shocking reading.  I naively thought I might get to sleep through the night, but apparently not.  I also thought diet would be less restricted but again, apparently not.  So, damn.  I'm learning.  I'm horrified at the stories.  There is just nothing great about any of this. I didn't know that stomas make loud noises.  That aren't controllable.  That sounds super fun. Omg.  Also apparently people name their stomas.  Jeeps was a stretch for me...but stomas?!

On Sunday we have a few friends gathering for coffee, a walk and a pub dinner out.  So that's a fun distraction to look forward to.

I'm in bed listening to sirens going completely nuts in town.  I'm guessing there is a big fire.  So many fires lately.  Duncan's finest need to be corralled up.  

Through it all, I miss Finn.  Like crazy.  He took up a lot of my day apparently.

Oh, and I went to Dr Google.  We all know not to do that.  It was scary.  Reading that my cancer is one of 73 cases since 1933 was just not helpful. Prayers needed that the next biopsy is more conclusive and show a less harmful, more common cancer.

Well Shit.

 

Well so far 2026 is sucking pretty hard.  Yesterday was truely awful saying goodbye to my furbaby.  Today Eric and I met with my surgeon.

I have cancer.

In the rectum and anus. So, so glamorous.

Typically chemo and radiation would be the treatment plan but not for me because there are four fistulas.  We were told the most likely scenario will be the total removal of rectum and anus (Barbie Butt) and a colostomy (stoma and bag). The mri didn't show further issues in the area but unfortunately shows issues in the uterus.  Next steps are another surgery Jan 26 for more biopsies for more conclusive answers.  A pet scan. Blood work. A referral to a different surgeon for the abdominoperineal resection and ileostomy. Another referral to a gyno specialist to investigate the thickened wall.  Most likely biopsies and then a hysterectomy. The surgeon today didn't feel she could really speak about that part.  She did ask if we could cancel our trip.  

The kids have been told.  It's not secret.  I told them there were lots of tests and big surgeries coming up and that I would let them know when it's time to worry.  For now we're hoping for cut to cure outcomes.

I am NOT at all delighted about a bag.  A permanent bag.  Ew, ew, ew. This just sucks big time.  Part of me is surprised I made it this far without a bag so we aren't shocked.  Just disappointed.

Funny sidebar.  Luk and Jia were together so I told them we needed to talk.  Eric got Kai to put his phone down.  I wouldn't have bothered because there is no way he could understand.  He ended up in tears because he was upset about putting his phone down.  None of the kids are ok with the news. Except Kai ;)

Eric and I will muddle through as we do with all medical trials. Step by step and day by day.  He is still dealing with melanoma.  We will be using humor and often dark humor for our coping mechanisms.  So far, there have been lots of off color and gross jokes.  Also distractions.  Lots and lots of distractions.

Packing has started for the trip we may or may not be able to go on.

I did suggest to Eric that he and the kids could still go, that I didn't need him here for biopsies and tests.  He doesn't love that plan. 

I have my ducks in a row for the three cruises booked.

I finally picked the dragon tarp.  Red dragon with roses.

The closet room is primered and ready for paint.

We finally met Dm and Al's new puppy on the weekend. Satchmo.  He is a perfect floppy doll and oh so adorable.

Eric and I headed out snow wheeling, just us.  He wanted to try out Onyx and make sure everything was working.  It is.  However the lever is still too hard for me to pull into gear.  The snow was heavy after all the rain and difficult to drive in. It was like diving in Autotopia.

Beach shoes ready for me and the kids. We had fun tonight figuring out the jibbitz.  Back left is me, grey is Kai, navy is Luk and front right is Jia.

I miss Finn.

He was a big personality and it's just too quiet here.

Rip Finn.

 

Rest in peace my little Stormtrooper.

I couldn't have loved you more.  I am totally gutted.  It's super hard to breathe today.  We had you five years longer than predicted and I am so grateful for our time together.

I hope Izzy and Grampa meet you today and get you whole and warm.

I'm left here struggling to figure out how to live in this house without you.  It's so empty.

One day we'll be together again and I'll sing horribly and you'll howl horribly and all will be right in our world again.

Alive times 2

 

She's home!

Alive.

It was a software malfunction caused by the 4x4 gears not engaging as they were seized and the car not communicating properly because pins were damaged or not engaged in the can bus converter.  That's the short version.  

Phew.  It's been a challenge.

I'm not sure how much I trust her but I'm delighted that her brain is back in working order.

Alive

 

We made another appointment to make awful decisions for Finn on Monday and I just couldn't do it when we got there.  That morning he was up and alert.  Then we went to the appointment and he flopped into the most pathetically weak puppy.  Our vet was suggesting it was time.  I of course was a mess.  Said I agreed.  We discussed further tests to see if there were underlying issues.  I said we didn't want to do that and I was certain it was hydrocephalus issues.  I told her I was quite involved in support groups and the only thing to try is diuretics or steroids and that they don't really work typically.  She went and did a quick search and came back saying she would dose both for one week.  We made an appointment for his euthanasia next Monday.

He has had 3 doses and this morning we got up to a much improved pupper.  He is up, alert, eating and has been walking around for 6 hours now.  

Bit of a miracle.

He is down from 7lbs to 5.  Which is alarming and so hard to see.  We have no clue what direction things will really go.  Early moments here.

 I'm a disaster trying to keep my pup alive and deal with my own health issues and Luk is home sick again, Kai is back to school, we're busy in general with the house and projects and the eternal appointments AND we still have the issue of Onyx stuck in limp mode.

A close friend reminded me in a phone call about how overwhelmed I am that Onyx is just a car, a thing and can be replaced.  Gasp!  What?!  She is my friend, protector, my escape, my joy, freedom and frankly a large part of my identity.  I'd argue, not easily replaced.  I do realize in all practical ways that she is actually replaceable.

So she has been in limp mode since the 27th.  The 4x4 shifter was seized and repaired but the software issue continues.  She needs a dealership.  Arg.  We were soooo reluctant to go there for many reasons.  However, I wanted to go today and I had to make Eric promise to stay in the car or not talk at all.  He agreed and he mostly stayed quiet ;)  

We muddled through.  The mechanic we talked to has heard of our issue.  Had already spoken to our mechanic and felt certain he could fix her.  So, we limped her to Duncan Dodge.  We are out of Eric's comfort range.  However....when we arrived, the staff came to see her, lots of chatter about her eyes and her scales.  They would like to buy her or get us set up in a trade.  

Eric has spent two days online looking for a JK for me, like Oscar but with more creature comforts.  He found a beautiful white and black one that I didn't hate.  I've already named him Falcor.  Haha.  Kidding, but not totally.

Eric also thinks I might do well with a Gladiator and they have one here that we stopped to look at a while ago but the price was stupid high. $95.  Today I told the sales guy I liked it.  He got his manager who said they need to sell it, it's a 2025 and has 15,000 kms on it, he brought it up and the price is actually down to $74.  We test drove a new white one.  It was nice but it's easy to walk away from.  The other is an Onyx twin.

So, we are back home.  Waiting to hear if Onyx can be saved, sold or traded.  While I listen to Luk's continuous cough that sounds like a barking seal and Finn's toes on the floor as he wanders all over playing the kibble game with Coco.

Crippled with indecision.

 

Enter my crazy with me.

For car camping.

I want something simple to cover my toilet tent area.  Getting out at night in the rain is unpleasant.

I was overthinking the plan.  Eric said to just find a tarp that would match Onyx.  I bought a camo one last year for Oscar. Most suv ones are blue or green.  So, I went to Temu and typed 'tarp red dragon'.

Shockingly, it's a thing!

Who knew?!

Then I scrolled for half an hour.  There are soooo soooo many to choose from.  Believe it or not. 

I've narrowed it down.

Help.

I do logically know there isn't a wrong choice.  I could start factoring sizes available and price but so far I'm just picking by the picture.

I imagine Onyx as an English red scale dragon. So, I am leaning to the vintage tapestry looking one. I think.  Maybe.  

This is the travel beach towels all over again. Sigh.

I was thinking of going back to the hard top and getting a safari basket to hook a 270 awning on.  This was starting to feel daunting and expensive and was going to change up her sleek sexy soft top look.

Definitely a first world problem.